exactly one year ago today, my grandmother passed away.I can't believe it's already been that long.
I remember that for a long time, I had trouble saying death or die or dying or any variation of the word...which sucked because, at the time, I was reading a book in my religion class about death that called for tons of essays. I couldn't even write the word.
I can honestly say that there hasn't been one day that hasn't gone by that i haven't thought about my grandma.
The night it happened, I remember my mom got a phone call from my aunt saying that my grandma was in the hospital, and it was pretty serious; I asked my mom if i could go with her to see grandma, but she told me i should stay and study for my chem test. Instead, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 5:00, panicked, because I realized that i hadn't even started studying.
I went to the kitchen and saw that my mom's purse was on the counter, and thought "Mom's back, so Grandma must be o.k," and continued with my early morning study routine.
At around 6:45, my dad woke up and summoned my brothers and me to the boys' room and said he had to talk to us. I remember thinking, "What if my dad's about to tell us Grandma's dead?" And then discarding that thought with, "Psh, Grandma's healthy and active. She just fainted, that's all, like last year. Besides, if that were true, my mom would be the one to tell us. Dad hates Grandma."
We gathered around the room, Eddie, Sam, my Dad, and me, and my Dad said, "Kids, last night, Grandma died." My mind went blank. What? no! My mom came into the room then and she was crying and everything was confirmed.
I didn't want to stay at home. I had to get out. I went to school to take my chem test that I wasn't prepared for in the slightest, and told my friends what happened. I remember wishing that my best friend would just hug me and say anything to make me feel better, but i could tell she just felt really awkward. So I couldn't stay at school. I called my dad, and when we got home, the boys were playing game cube. That just PISSED me off. I slammed the door and went to my room and didn't come out for hours.
I didn't go one day without crying for months.
The last time I saw her, i was at her house and she was in the back room cutting my grandpa's hair. At least I have a good final memory.
She was the best grandma anyone could ever ask for. She never forgot birthdays, though she had 8 kids, and 8 sons-and-daughters-in-law, and over 24 grand kids. She had a jar of candy that she always let you choose from. She made fudge every Christmas. She made fucking jam o.k.? How can you beat this.
I have so many memories that have my Grandma in them and I can't believe that I'll never have any more. Sometimes, I still forget that she's no longer here. But I like to think that she still watches over me. That she was there at my Confirmation where she was supposed to be my sponsor. That she's gonna be there at my Junior Ring Ceremony and my Graduation and all the other important events she would never miss.
I love you Grandma, and I could never ever forget you. You will always be in my heart and I will forever be your loving granddaughter.
~Lili
p.s. song of the day: Congratulations by Blue October. It's the song I listened to when she left.
about the picture: in case you didn't know: the heart is the one my grandma gave me, and the cross is from a retreat i went on. I only just stopped wearing it every day.
